Today...was OK, and ONLY OK. It was "meh" by gym, and made better by my awesomme music teacher, Mr. M, who gave me a piece of chocolate. Hmm...was it Fannie May's? *Looks up term to find correct spelling* LOL, you know that if you just change the "y" in May to an "e," it's a mortgage/housing business or something (as opposed to the candy business we all love)? That's weird. Anyway, I got free chocolate, and that was prob my highlight. That, and the fact that I got more extra cred in my math class. YES!!! *Crap that reminds me that I have a quiz mañana.* NO!!!!
Lit...we managed to finish watching the Crucible, and let me say, what happened to Proctor was messed. Up. I think I'm a lot like Proctor (not counting his awesomme calligraphy). Mainly, I try to look out for others and do what's best for them (what I think is best...). However, I'm also a hypocrite. I'm not afraid to say it here, as long as no one brings it up in real life. But yes, I amz un hypocrite. I scold people for their actions then do the same things they do/did. So sad...
After lunch, I had chem, and Mr. B was not there, so the class goofed off and pulled the curtains and closed the door and such, and then my ex-Bio teacher comes in, Mr. K; he was our sub. He's one of my fave teachers, and I love him (not LOVE love, that admiration/"he's-so-cool-and-funny"/I love him as a person thing). He was hilarious (or hilar, according to my classmate) today, and he called me back at the end of class. He asked me a question that, looking back with my over-thinking and hypersensitivity, stung and still kinda stings:
"Why are you here?"I took no offense and did not mull over it at the time, him referring to my being placed in a regulars class when I was in his honors class last year. But I told him that I tried to get out of doing a project--"What!?" said he--and that by the time I realized that the classes were about the same; it didn't matter--"Yeah."--I was already in the class. As he walked with me out of the classroom, he told me:
"Yeah, this really isn't the best environment for you."That...hurt. I took it as a compliment, because (I think) it meant he was looking out for me and he regarded me as an intelligent student. But, I also heard it as a sort of "I'm disappointed in you" kind of thing, and that pained me. I guess I tried to make up for my failure by telling him that I was going to take Honors Physics next year, which is true, but...I'll admit it: I cried. In my next class, Spanish. Luckily, I was in the back of the class, and my teacher was sitting behind me (Mr. Student Teacher was up), so I just played it off as being sick and tired, which I was last week. I hid my tears at first by putting my head down and blew my nose like any sick person, then I dried my eyes. But afterwards, just thinking about what happened depressed me and brought back the tears.
Here's why: I (apparently) cannot handle disappointing others. That was how I grew up. That's actually probably the reason why I work so hard...why I aim to get As and get upset when I get Bs and under. I grew up with my parents having high expectations of me...to be great. To just try. I had and have no problems with that. But looking back, I know that their pressuring me to be my best is the only thing that pushed me. People expected me to be smart and great and all, and I couldn't bear to disappoint them by failing. (Admittedly, I also just wanted to be the best) Whenever I feel that I let others down, it brings me down. So, when I felt that Mr. K was disappointed that I took the easy way out (I was/am lazy), it just...killed me inside.
I cried on the ride home today, too. I'm actually in danger right now, of crying. I just wanted to get that off my chest and out there. So... yeah.
That reminds me of a poem I wrote...iCry. Would you like me to post that? Would I want to post it? *Hmmm...* As long as there's no plagiarism. XD
Listening to: "Burning in the Skies" by Linkin Park
Currently plotting: that same essay I have to write...it may or may not be due tomorrow.
Trying to finish: my homework so I can sleep...
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