Word of the day: martyr (pronounced "mar-ter")
Ugh. I never haz time to blog these days...I'd blame school, but others manage, so I'll have to blame my terrible time management (which reminds me of another thing from today, but I'll get to that later). Any way, I'll just compile the random thoughts I've had these past few days in any random order that I please, and I'll complain about my day or something.
First: regarding that stuff up there @ the top. The quote came from this meeting we had to go to, which they called "Focus on Us," which was really a get-together to talk to us about our mental issues. (Now, I for one do not like being reminded that I have mental problems. But that doesn't seem to change anyone's mind.) Any way, we somehow got onto the subject of Facebook and its effects on us and our social/emotional health. However, I was one of, like, the three people (out of around 40) who did not have a Facebook account. The lady asked the first part of the quote while I was the one who called the others losers because they all had Facebook accounts. Note that I have no issue with Facebook whatsoever, I just feel like people spend TOO much of their time on that site; they know it too. I feel like, there's no need for you to look on Facebook when your entire life is in a single city, the one you live in. Notice that that statement will not apply to you (as much) if you have moved or you are 18+ years old and you have a life elsewhere.
The word of the day is not truly of today, but I just lingered over it for the past 3 days, so yeah. The thing is, I am one of those people who constantly worry about whether or not they have one of many mental conditions, so I go around looking up things that sound like me, and stress out about if I think I have it or not. This time, I came across "martyr" after recalling a scene from Avatar. Apparently, a martyr is "a person who is killed because of their religious or other beliefs" or "a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration." Now, seeing as I am not dead nor an extremely religious person, I focused on the latter definition. And I realized it described me perfectly (or an aspect of me, really). I know that I often complain about some facet of my life and make it sound a lot worse than it is. Like my social life, or my intelligence. Or my drawing/artistic ability. I also know and accept the fact that I oftentimes do it for exactly the same reason the definition says: "in order to obtain sympathy or admiration." I had already recognized this trait, and I do not like it. But, I explained it, in a way, to my classmate earlier last school year: that as artists, we often have too critical an eye for our own work and a very good praising eye for others'. Hence we belittle our own work and praise others' works. However, we also depreciate our drawings and such in order to gain A) sympathy or B) evoke some sort of admiration or something in others. I find it hard to explain in words, on a computer, when my eyes are über-tired, but yeah. Now, I am not saying this about all artists, although I believe it fits all humans at some point. I know for sure, though, that it applies to me. I must fix that.
What else, what else....I started wondering random thoughts about being gay and bi and such. There was a lot regarding homosexuality today; I can't believe it, looking back. Here's what happened: en route to retrieve my viola (which was NOT there, btw), I passed a kid (a year or so younger than moi) in the hall, and he was pointing at yours truly. I only noticed this when I realized his finger was moving with me. XD Anyway, I stopped and asked what he wanted, and he beckoned me closer. When I was in range, he inched closer, trapped my foot and told me to join [Gay] Pride Club (yes, my school has one; isn't it awesome?). I could go on about what happened after that, but I'll spare you. Mainly, I switched topics out of my desire to mess with people, then walked away when he was distracted.
After that scenario, I met up with a classmate who stated in a sorta indirect way that she was gay...and I wondered if it were true, or if it was one of those jokes people do these days, you know, when they pretend their each other's aunt/father or boyfriend/girlfriend, that sort of stuff. I decided to not truly care, because I did not and do not see a point in taking a person's sexual orientation into consideration when determining how to treat people. I tried to explain myself to my companions, saying how I didn't care if someone was gay because I have issues and people have issues, and I don't see homosexuality as a problem. However, it apparently came out wrong as one compañero stated that being gay was not an issue. I agree, and I apologize in advance/to any of you who I may have hypothetically offended. I fail miserably at putting my thoughts into vocalized words, a skill I must work on. But basically, I have no problem with gay people to date, and I expect I never will, because I like to try and keep an open mind...which reminds me of the title of this post...must get on track again...eventually.
Oh, right, we went to a park after school, where I brought up the sexual orientation matter again, just talking out loud to a classmate who was there, as I watched my other classmate run around after a Significant Other. I wondered if I could be bi, and in response to said classmate A's confused reaction, I explained how I seem to find random good things in things/people (existent or non-) and how I seemed to be able to love almost anybody (if only you could read my mind during the day, XD). A few moments later, I wondered aloud what would happen if everyone in the world was bi--that is, we were attracted to both genders. Then we had a debate about what being gay was. I took it as being sexually attracted to someone [of the same gender] rather than being in love with them, but said company (Classmates A and B, Significant Other) blatantly disagreed. I felt mistaken, and now as I look up the meaning of "homosexual", the dictionary gives me "sexually attracted to people of one's own sex." Is that not what I said? Then I look up one of the words that cannot ever be defined in words, "love", and: "an intense feeling of deep affection," which is similar to my understanding of it, is it not? However, a second definition says it is "a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone," which confuzzled me. Now I am between definitions... is hetero/homo/bisexuality actual love or just sexual attraction to someone??? I ask this, because I wondered:
Pondrance (what I am pondering): Would one's sexual orientation affect a relationship by way of love? Like, could one be sexually attracted to one person but truly love another? Sorry, I am speaking of this personally, and personally, I am not clear on this matter. (If you are reading this and have thoughts on it, feel free to leave a comment and share with me. I'm curious.)
Ah. For some reason it feels kinda good to talk about something like that...idk. I like putting kinda-touchy subjects out there when I'm anonymous. Or random subjects. I like random subjects. XD Sumimasen.
Back to the title: (well, I believe I have covered the martyr part) the "finding yourself" bit had to do....with "Avatar: The Last Airbender." Zuko was in need of guidance, so he imitated his uncle Iroh:
"Zuko, you must look within yourself to find yourself. Only then will your true self reveal itself."Of course, Zuko had no idea WTH Iroh was talking about, even though he was imitating him. But I think that's some deep stuff. I'd explain it, but I can't. See (big) above paragraph for reasons why.
Another thing about finding yourself, though, is that fact that it's harder to see in a world so clouded in lies, deceit, and confusion as this one we live in. That's why the key thing to look for here is yourself, in this crazy world that is Reality.
I should talk about the mental issues, bit, but I won't go too much into it; I'm tired. Mainly, if you're stressed, and even if you think you're not, find a good--no, fantastic--outlet for that [nonexistent] stress. I like to write, so I'll write angry letters/journals or poems. Or you can listen to music or draw or dance or exercise or go do a martial art. Whatever. Just let it all out. Stress is bad, and we all know it. My plea to you is to not commit suicide, even if you're desperate. There's no greater waste than a lost life. I see this poster in some class in school that reads "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take." If you never try, how will you know? Life is unpredictable as well as short, so might as well stick around and see what happens, right? So....um, don't die.
On that happy note, I'll be taking my leave.
Listening to: Zelda™ theme, cover by Apocalyptica
Currently plotting: random drawings I might want to do in the next few days.
Trying to finish: blogging so I can sleep. XD
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